Friday, July 31, 2009

Multi tasking

So I mentioned sort of what it was that my friend had a few days ago. The object. Or tool. Which seems to be something only wild women have. Which is shaped like a part of a boys body. Electric.

And I was thinking.

If they built an ipod into one of those things, then every girl would want one. They'd just have to make sure that music mode and vibration mode were distinct. Because nobody wants Bruce Springsteen screaming out of their, ummm, unmentionable part.

Better yet, combine it with a cellphone and a calculator.
It would be da bomb.
I can already see that I have a future as a brilliant inventor ahead. My folks should be soooooooooooooooooo proud.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Another blog

He also asked me to put another blog in my links.
Apparently Bray and Pinky blanace each other. I'm not so sure about that, Pinky is even more unintelligible. They sound very similar. I wonder if they're friends?

I think Bray reads Dovbear. If not, he should.
Maybe he or Pinky IS Dovbear?

New blogger - HaMavdil

One of the other bloggers sent me an e-mail telling me my life would become glorious, the sun would come out, and everything would come up blooming roses if I mentioned a new blog, and put a link on my roll.

Okay. I'm a sucker for such things.
AKA The Bray of Fundie - it's a blog embodies the triumph of substance over style!

Tried reading it. More than slightly baffling. I guess BoF must be a friend of his, or he likes abstruse subjects. But what the hey.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Shocking pink and electric!

So she finally showed me exactly what the thing looks like. I had NO IDEA that they even made such things!!!!!!! It's sleek plastic and shaped kinda like a nineteen fifties rocket ship illustration, but whithout the fins. And she says it cost over a hundred bucks. Irridescent mother of pearl pink. It's very brightly hued. Betcha can't loose it even in the dark.

When she told me exactly what it was, and why it's used, I nearly spat out my milkshake. That was over a month ago. Today while we were at Walgreens she bought fresh batteries. So lucky that those aren't hard to find!!!!!

She told me later at Quickly's that the expensive kinds are silent, but the cheaper kinds sound like a chainsaw. I laughed so hard that melon tea came out of my nose.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Summer doldrums

Steffy left a comment that asked why I haven't posted more. Well, what can I say? It's summer break, and I'm working two part-time jobs. None of which have internet connection.
Is sad, is what.

Did you know that Dupont Street (which the white folks insist on calling Grant Avenue, for some strange explicable reason) is filled with foreigners? Real foreigners, not just Caucasians!
It turns out we're cute, unusual, and VERY photogenic! And so are our TALL buildings!!!!!
Perhaps they don't have buildings higher than two stories in Germany and France?
I know FOR A FACT that they don't have fish stores or other food stores there, they keep wanting to photograph ours.

How do foreigners buy food? Do they order it off the internet? Does Amazon deliver nice canned kwailo kibble? Or is "das ediebele fressenswertigung" issued in premeasured quantities by their governments every week?
They must eat sometime, I've seen them do so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They eat here, their favorite dishes, too (sweet and sour pork, hot and sour soup, imperial rolls). We're SO LUCKY that we found out how to make those things!!!!!!!!!! If we hadn't, all those friendly foreigners would NEVER EVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS come to Chinatown. Which fills us all with frigging joy.

Daily Planet Watchdog and the bitter bitch

Several of my readers (hah! I have readers! Actual people who read my blog!) want me to write more. And several also want me to read more. Angry Rabbit, the Balding Redhead, and the pink toad (these are pseudonymes) all advise me to read a site for which they kindly yet insistently provide the link.

New blog in Berkeley:
Daily Planet Watchdog

Some lovely stuff.

First a multiple choice quiz.

"One should ask why anti-Semitism has persisted throughout the centuries. Let us go back to 539 BC, when Cyrus the Great, King of Persia, went to Babylonia and liberated Jews. One can ask why Jews were enslaved by Babylonians. Also, one can ask why Jews had problem with Egyptians, with Jesus, with Europeans, and in modern times with Germans? The answer, among other things, is their racist attitude that they are the 'Chosen People.' Because of this attitude, they do wrong to other people to the point that others turn against them, namely, become anti-Semite if you will."

Is the above from:

(a) Mel Gibson’s drunk driving police report
(b) Mein Kampf
(c) The Hamas Charter
(d) The Berkeley Daily Planet


Quoting liberally form the Daily Planet Watchdog:

"Like other Berkeley Daily Planet writers, Hallinan is obsessed with Israel. Many of his columns concern Israel in part or in whole. They are, of course, taken as a body, condemnatory. His non-Israel articles often deal with a defense of the Soviet Union and its clients--well, actually, we mean Russia, the rump remains of the Soviet Union. This might explain why he writes in the deadly dull and humorless style of a party apparatchik..........."

"So why does Becky O'Malley do it? To be sure, she is an extreme ideologue.
Some believe that she is driven by a hatred of all developers, while others believe that it is a hatred of Israel that obsessively drives her toward financial ruin.
We have a different theory. We all know "authors" whose great American novel went unappreciated by the many publishers to whom they applied, and who then, in desperation and delusion, self-publish. We believe that the Berkeley Daily Planet is Becky O'Malley's very own vanity press. Our epiphany came when O'Malley proclaimed to the editor of this website that she believes herself to be a wonderful writer.

"You will know we are in trouble if we pretend to be a non-profit and start asking you for dimes.
But what would really spell disaster for would be the reform of the DP. So, PLEASE, do not tell them that its reform would destroy us. We would lose our very purpose of existence.
In such an event, we would go bust, and it will be on your conscience.

"Why are advertisers flocking to the East Bay Express and shunning the Berkeley Daily Planet? Three reasons, we believe. First, The East Bay Express is a much better paper without being a purveyor of hate. Second, the Berkeley Daily Planet’s core demographic, Berkeley’s aging radicals, is of only marginal interest to most would be advertisers. Third, as a matter of practicality, advertising in the Berkeley Daily Planet does not attract customers."

"In this section of our website we hope to post positive statements about Ms. O’Malley’s improved performance. We regret that we have little to say yet. However, over time, we hope and believe that this will become the largest section of our website. In fact, we look forward to the day when the paper becomes so good that we can fold our tent, and go home. "

"The question as to whether the Berkeley Daily Planet is anti-Semitic can be divided into three parts:
First, has the Berkeley Daily Planet published unequivocally anti-Semitic op-eds, cartoons, and letters? Here, the answer is a definite YES.
Second, is the Berkeley Daily Planet in its totality an anti-Semitic newspaper? Here the answer, we believe, is PROBABLY.

"People we have met who know Becky O’Malley well most often use the words "angry" or "bitter" to describe her. As with most of her writings, O’Malley’s June 25, 2009 editorial is a rambling and utterly incoherent mess. All we can say is that it is some sort hysterical and flailing analysis of the whole world. About all that comes through is her bitterness and anger.
As usual with O’Malley, schoolyard taunts replace thought. So we learn that legislators in Sacramento are "chumps" and "idiots;" Israel’s elected leaders are "dreadful people" and "thugs;" British and New York legislators are all "fools."
Probably few of you actually read O’Malley’s editorials, but just this once we beg you to give it a try.
"It gets stranger and stranger the more one looks at it. After several readings, we have concluded that, at bottom, it is a diatribe against, of all things, democracy. "


Okay. I'll read it. You've convinced me.

Isn't the Daily Planet the newspaper that prints Joseph Anderson's angry Jew-hating rants? He doesn't like Jews, Whites, or Asians, does he?

Some of my best friends are Jews, Whites, and Asians.
And Berkeley sucks.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Something about a trashy affair

So Atboth finally told me what the case was! And it is spicy.

There's a man who was dating a woman with whom he had an agreement that they could see other people. So of course she did. And there was a fight or confrontation with that other person, who had a pattern of violent behavior, and the first man went and got a gun because the second man was threatening the woman.

And the rest is history. No deaths. The trial is about unlawful discharge.

One of them is black. One of them is Asian. And one of them is white. Well, Armenian, but I guess that's white. Albeit a very hairy white. More hairy than most whites. But still, white underneath the pelt. Even though from a distance he probably looks like Fozzy Bear.

What I want to know is were any of them sleeping with anyone. Or was this all multiple dating before any sackjumping took place. In which case, why shoot?

Atboth says he'll find out more, and tell me when he does.
I shall hold my breath now.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Jury of WHOSE peers?

Fellow blogger ATBOTH, for reasons best known to himself, has forwarded an e-mail he wrote to members of his department:


I am required to show up for jury duty tomorrow morning.

That means I may not be in all day tomorrow, but it could also mean that I will be at work in early afternoon.
I will be in the office by evening at the latest to review orders in any case.

All orders entered tomorrow will be reviewed before Friday morning. Orders entered on Friday will be reviewed before Monday.

Sorry for whatever inconvenience this causes. I too am flabbergasted to be considered a prospective member of a jury of some random somebody's peers - it is monumentally deflating to my ego in any case.

Well of course I am fascinated. Is it a murder case? Haphazard drunken brawling? A contentious divorce? Does it involve mugging, smuggling, guns and drugs, or mysterious Caucasian concubines?

You really must tell me. If it's interesting, and you get chosen. I just love reading about sleaze.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Motorbikes, summer dresses, and panties

Spiros, commenting on a previous post, wrote: "I beg to differ with your opinion re: Vespas. Millions of Italians, thousands of Mods, and plenty of young ladies in summer dresses have looked absolutely splendid on Vespas. They certainly have many practical shortcomings, but they look (and make their riders look) great. Try wearing a summer dress on the backof a hog sometime. "

Well now. How practical is a summer dress? Given that this is a windy city, and cold too, do you really suggest that I wear one? On a motorbike OR vespa?

Yeah, I know that would excite Grant Patel (who is a horrid pervert, don't forget), but I really do NOT want the breeze to expose my panties to the entire sidewalk world. If they're that interested in panties, they can buy their own.
Same goes for yellow thighs covered in goosebump.
Sorry, Spiros, vespas are out.

Please instead imagine me on a real motorbike. Then suggest what kind. The Kawasaki Ninja may be too heavy and brutish, even though that is what makes it so loveable. And hogs may be too expensive.
I'm thinking something Japanese. What about you? Vroom, baby, vroom.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Old pervert

Thank you for offering me tasty shrimp curry. But I will NEVER take you up on that offer - I just don't trust you. That last comment, about my 'juicies rumpouse', whatever the depraved heck you meant by that, PROVES that you are sick sick sick sick sick sick!!!

Let me clarify. You are an adult. You are at least fifty, and probably a dried up old stick insect in addition to being a desperate roué. You probably grease your hair and flatter yourself that you still look no older than thirty.
And you probably use too much Calvin Klein male fragrance.

There is nothing, nothing, nothing at all suitable about you entertaining the idea that you could in any way be friends with me.
And I am not at all interested in any of your suggestions about lingerie or underwear, not even in the abstract, not even if you do have years and years of experience in women's undergarments. Whatever you think should go on the, as you describe them, "fruited curving elements of the yuventempter physique", is immaterial.
I do not dress or undress to please you. We shall not meet so that you can "judge and sincerely advise". I will not give you my phone number nor tell you where I live.

But I am very much interested in the shrimp curry recipe. Please post it on your blog, you pervert. Thanks!