Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hey Grant, heads up!

Forwarded by a mutual friend:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
[Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.]


(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (Yes, that's 80 million).
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
[Statistics courtesy of FBI.]


Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Guns don't kill people, doctors do.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand.

Out of concern for the public at large, statistics on lawyers withheld, for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.


Grant, there's only ONE possible conclusion. You are dangerous.
Probably only to yourself, but evenso.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Ribbons too tight around their heads

A friend and fellow blogger tells me that the internet is made for FOUR things: pornography, food articles, kitten pictures, and conspiracy theories.

Well, I do not know about the first thing - there are some search criteria I do not dare enter. And I've already discovered that Panties, Bras, Waist, Prawn, Ribbons, and Wips all lead to pictures that would make my screen explode.

Food articles, of course, are edible porn. Often with most appetizing pictures. Food photography is an art. Makes you want to lick your monitor.

Kitten pictures do not excite me. There must be something wrong. Maybe if they photographed the kittens wearing panties while rolling a plate of prawns.

And as for conspiracy theories, I don't have any. I think conspiracy theorists are all nuts. That's not a theory, that is a provable fact. Perhaps the conspiracy theorists should collect panties and prawns instead. It might make them happier. Without lessening their internet presence.

Friday, April 24, 2009

The only stuff left is garbage

Why is it that after easter the only choclate that goes on sale is the horrid tasting kind! Why can't they just make so much of the really good stuff that we can gorp for WEEKS afterwards????????

I had to spend tooooooo much money to get a decent chocky fix this week. Darn well I'm keeping it all for myself. Adults do not NEEED chocolate, teenage girls do.

It is axiomatic that anything shaped like a bunny wabbit, that is NOT a bunny wabbit, should be shot with a gun or hit with a hammer. Because it tastes like crap.

Real bunny wabbits, on the other hand, should be lovingly fed carrots and corn. Big heads of lettuce till they grown big and fat. Then stewed in rice wine and garlic and ginger.

As revenge for messing with the world supply of chocolate! That's evil!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

He needs a straightjacket, not underwear

I am now utterly convinced that he is insane, no possibility of doubt. And he is an utter pervert. That he should've taken a post as a gift is not surprising (well, I suppose in a way it was for his benefit), but what he chose to do with it speaks of a profoundly twisted mind. And then making recommendations as to who should wear what, hah! Odious pustulent man!
Why could he not be as passionate about stamps or coins as he is about women's underwear? What went wrong in his younger years to twist him so? What, truly, lies behind that panty fetish?
Don't answer, Grant, I DON'T!! REALLY!!!! WANT!!!!! TO!!!!!!!!! KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You need years and years of therapy.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The last of the chocolate

So it took me four days before I could even look at the rest of the chocolate. Which is unusual. Normally I can look at chocolate at any time of day or night.

I put the last bag aside in my sock drawer, so that I wouldn't throw it away after what happened the last time. Had some Thursday night. And then Friday morning.
Had more on Saturday. And on Sunday.

But I still want to whack the bunny. He's evil!

Friday, April 17, 2009

More panties!

Grant Patel, go away! This post is NOT for you!


The word panties is the most dangerous word on the internet. Almost every place that mentions the word panties is for dirty old perverts, cross-dressers, and college boys, and is all about depraved sex. Totally appalling!

One would even think that no women are involved in panties in any way.

The weirdest thing is the recipe I found for a drink called 'white cotton panties'.

White Cotton Panties
Half an ounce vanilla vodka, half an ounce butterscotch schnapps, poured into a shot glass.

Number one, I really think it would be much better shaken over ice and served in a chilled martini glass (and it would look like the real thing), and number two, why would anyone even drink it? It sounds harsh and vile!
But they could add a cherry to the panty for effect. That would be appropriate.

Real panties
Victoria secrets makes cotton panties in small sizes, so does Hanes. And Honeydew makes some very cute things for teenage women.
That's TEENAGE WOMEN - not big hairy cross-dressers! Mister Patel, avert your eyes!
Nordstrom has Honeydew, but I cannot find my size.

Old Navy, Gap, Jockey, and even the big boxes also have pure cotton. But it is very difficult to find small grown-up sizes. Big as a bucket buts, yes.
And I'm getting tired of the junior miss departments.
Maybe I should just buy boys boxer shorts.

Unless those also come with cutesy flowers all over.

Naaaa, probably machine guns and football logos.


Briefs are panties that come up to the waist and have a plain style of leg opening. They are comfortable, but at worst granny style and baggy. Plenty of cloth from leg to waist.

Bikini briefs have leg openings that are cut above the thigh, fully cover the rear and front, but have a waistband that rides over the hips rather than across the waist. Some are really low, for people who wear lowriders and kidney pops. Narrow band of coth from leg to waist.
The long ones are very sweet, if you do not have a long torso and short legs.

French cut briefs have the highest cut of leg opening, wich is canted slightly forward. The waistband is at the natural waist line. Medium amount of cloth between leg and waist, sometimes not. Not suitable for fatty thighs.

High cut briefs are panties with a high-rise leg opening, and ride at or above the natural waistline. Medium or narrow band of cloth.

Hipster briefs have low-cut leg openings, almost straight across. They ride significantly below the navel. Some middle-aged women like them, and they also look cute on teenagers. They look boxy. Most Chinese people should not wear them. Well, the women at least.

Thongs are appalling! Only teenage sluts wear them. Some people like that very much. I am guessing that Grant Patel collects these. It is to be hoped without the wearer, though I fear otherwise (hi Grant, I know you're still here).

Lace edging will be discussed at a later date. Then there will be a test.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

It hurts, the stupid!

I'm not saying whose. But sedating the frog meant testing it out myself. And again. That second one was not good. The third one even less.

Crappahoola, people drink this regularly? What on earth for?!?! Three SMALL sips and I've got a headache. And it burns. But I think I've sewn up the hole. I hope. I head.
Tastes like gasoline.

A hole in Richard!

Oh noooooo! Richard has a hole in his seam! My frog is wounded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This is awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is WORSE THAN anything that's EVER happened!!
Needle! Thread! Medic! Gas now, nurse, we're going in! Mrphine! Clamps! These sutures better hold. Prognosis: minor scarring, subconscious trauma. But I think he'll make it.

Frogs are very operatic. Bet you didn't know that, huh? Fortunately, there's still that bottle of Hennesey. Sedation required.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Parsee plus Lawyer and Panties equals chowder head

Or at least that is what one would think after reading mister Patel's commiseration. Maybe he should've eaten so much chocolate that he got sick. But I see on the internet that Parsees eat barfee instead. Which I'm hoping does not sound like what it is.

Any darn how, mister Patel, you COULD've been more sympathetic. You COULD have shown a bit more fellow-feeling. Even though YOU have NEVER been a teenager on a chocolate binge. You have probably never even been a teenager! You were probably born a tired old wreck at fifty with perversions and a panty fetish.

Please don't tell me about bunny costumes again.
Thank you.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

And now I wanna kill that rabbit!

Ate so much chocolate that I barfed. And they're wrong - it does NOT taste the same twice.

Now I'm gonna have to seriously kill that rabbit. It's all his fault.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Great blogs-a-mighty!

There are several blogs I really really like.

Here they are:

At The Back of the Hill
Dutch American who speaks Chinese and several other things. Probably a perv, but sofar he hasn't sent me any obscene e-mails.

Balabusta in Blue Jeans
Intelligent Bay-Area woman, who writes about teaching children, and life.

Chana - The Curious Jew
Super brainiac. Fascinating, sometimes too heavy. Very thoughtful and worth emulating.

Hello Kitty Hell
A riot. This man HATES everything Hello Kitty. Hates it, with good reason. His wife collects everything Hello Kitty. He suffers, in consequence, absurdly, at length, and often eloquently.

Kitty Rulez
If you like pink, this is the place to be. Hello Kitty heaven.

Midianite Manna
Intelligent woman in Oregon. With a bad Cohen, and a small person. Probably not into Hello Kitty.

Search for Emmes
Music, and sometimes something Russian. When he finds something interesting, up it goes!

Study Hall of the Goblin King
Rabbinic scholar in New York. Nice to read, and a face like a huggable muppet. He's awesome and uber-cool!!!

And, despite his obvious unwholesomeness, I need to add one more writer to the list:

Grant! Patel!

Grant Patel is probably the single most degenerate man in San Francisco. Obsessed with panties (mine, about which he shall only speculate, ever!), strange acts of a sexual nature (his sex-life is probably entirely hypothetical, but in any case almost certainly sad and depressing), food (good recipes, but too much chilipepper), and vile rhetoric about Pakistanis and other Muslims.
He is a hatefilled and verbose lawyer with much time on his hands.

If you should run across mister Patel, do NOT come close - hold him at bay with a long pole. Or poke him with a sharp stick until pest control arrives.

I also sometimes read other blogs on the internet:
Treppenwitz (,
Dovbear (, and
F*ck You, Penguin (
But mostly I just cruise for chocolate.
Or answers to homework questions.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Smelly old boys

So both of my uncles like to gamble! I am shocked! I thought it was only Fatty, but it's good that Booboo is normal too. For a midlleaged man, that is. Real people don't gamble, only unmarried men. Mei's husband probably used to gamble, but since he married her he hasn't taken any more risks.

Yesterday uncle Fatty, Booboo, and Pang-sook spent all night at the table in the kitchen slapping down cards and laying down money. And smoking. Many middleaged Chinese men smoke - while eating, while drinking, while snacking, while watching television, and even in the bathroom. That's why we have a big ashtray next to the .... tub.
Last night they put it in the kitchen. This morning it smelt like after a forest fire. If they hadn't kept the door closed and had stank up the house, I swear I would've thrown a bucket of water at them! They were much too noisy also. Men!

Do stupid people have more fun?
I'm just asking.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

High cut briefs with lace

Black, silk, with a little lace. Yes, mister Patel, I know this will send you into a paroxysm. I hope you enjoy it.

The waistband, by the way, is substantially below the belly button. Emphasized the curve of the stomach.
Oh good heavens, did you really think I was wearing them? Oh no no no no no no no! It was Lois Griffin in the episode that aired on Sunday March 8. She looked so hot, didn't she? That sure was a skimpy little bedroom ensemble she wore.
Remember, Peter's taste and manners had improved IMMENSELY after he had that injection, and he recommended that she buy certain garments. It was VERY good advice.
Perhaps you should follow his example.

No, not as regards giving advice. But as regards getting your shots.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Chicken wings for eating while watching television

This is something you should only do when mom is visiting a friend in Seattle. Men will like it, but mothers will go all basiliskic over the idea.

Men can usually be relied on to keep secrets if it is in their best interests to do so.

Teevee chicken

Two pounds chicken wings
Three tablespoons oyster sauce at least
Two tablespoons soy sauce
Two tablespoons ricewine
One garlic clove, smashed and chopped fine
A little ginger, chopped fine
A little bit of cayenne

Mix oyster sauce, soy sauce, rice wine, garlic, ginger, and cayenne.
Marinate chicken wings for half an hour.

Dip in beaten egg, and roll in equal proportions flour and cornstarch mixed together with a little ground pepper. Deep fry crispy. Serve with a sweet hot sauce.

You could double the recipe. Or even sextuple it if there are two middle-aged men in front of the television.


Note UNO: You can make a sweet hot sauce for dipping by mixing two parts honey with one part Sri Racha hot sauce. It is very good.

Note DUO: It is also very delicious with ranch dressing. Fried chicken with ranch dressing is NOT just for one week per month, but all weeks per month, unless you are Savage Kitten, as described here:

Sorry, BOTH, some of us just love Kraft Ranch Dressing. Which is also very good with plain shrimp. Better than cocktail sauce. Ask Savage Kitten, she'll probably agree.