Saturday, May 30, 2009

You disgust me!

You know, Grantipoo, I have never EVER thought of modeling, as you suggest I think in your demented comment under my last post. And you should be ashamed to even think of it!!!!!! Objectifier!!!!

Not that there is ANY thing wrong with modeling. But there is CLEARLY something wrong with men like you who go all juicy over pictures of a girl in a bra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you considered councilling? Talking to a priest? Maybe asking your witchdoctor for help?

Or, as Spiros advises, taking a cold shower? A very very long one. With ice cubes in an unheated basement.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Silky lacy gauzilettes

Now I KNOW that this will merely send Grant Patel into orbit, seeing as he is the COMPLETE pervert, but I just have to do it.

Grant, look at this:
Mary Green
Silk Gauze Bralette with Lace

And take a gooood look at this:
Zoe Bralette

Nice, huh?
Yes, Granty-poo, I just cannot resist flashing someone else's underwear at you. Because you cannot resist saying something stupid about it. I'm mean that way.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Why are you smiling?

No I don't think of her as a scarlet woman. I'm not that old-fashioned. But most Chinese girls normally do not have sex until they're adults. And she's my age, and also living at home.

However, she has condoms in her book bag. Which can only mean ONE thing.
A, she's doing it. And B, she's going over to HIS house to do it. Why else would she be the one bringing the rubbers? If they did "it" at her house, and assuming that it was safe enough for them to do it there, she would be able to keep them at home. Or he could bring them!

I'm dying to ask her all about it, but I don't know what to ask, or how. All I can imagine is that it's icky and sticky and messy and gooey and uncomfortable. And there are liquids involved.
I don't want to know what it all looks like, but I would really like to know what she feels afterwards. And how long she stays at his house, and what they talk about.

And, crucially, WHO he is. Who is he!?!???!
And how did she meet him, how did they get to this point? Were they going out for months before going all the way? Did he ever give her flowers? Does she use breath mints before they kiss? Does he have braces? Does he have sparkly eyes?

Urrrrrrgh, I'm so curious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why DOES she have that secret smile on her face when no one is watching?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Movies, teenage sex, and scary guys with chainsaws

So I'm wondering: do people of my age NORMALLY have sex? And if so, WHERE?

I can't imagine that they do it at home, because normal households are almost always filled with other people, and in any case wouldn't the neighbors hear the noise?
If you watch movies, you might get the idea that teenagers do it in cars or on the couch, just before the monster rises from the breakers or the scary guy with the chainsaw comes down the stairs, which suggests that sex might be an awfully bad idea.

For some reason, there are never any adults in teen sex movies. Where have they all gone? And don't they KNOW about the scary guy with the chainsaw? Wasn't he around when they were young? Do they (gasp) WANT it to happen?

And what's with the chain saw? Is that some kind of metaphor for a male gonad? Ripping, slashing, tearing, and the wept-over loss of innocence?

I'm guessing that movie directors don't have sex as they seem to have problems with the concept. Which is very strange, as teenage boys apparently can't seem to think of ANYTHING else.
Of course, neither can most men - that explains my most stalkerish commenter. Who has transformed the bitterness of his sex life into a knightly quest for any and all panties.

Teenage girls, as is well known, do not have sex. That's why we don't know about chainsaws.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Grant Patel waxes filthily verbose

I did not think that Grant could do it. But he has topped all previous efforts. Unclean little man!
In an earlier post I had taken him to task for his assertion that Richard Becker (head of the Bay Area coven of International ANSWER) was perhaps less of a man in certain ways than normal - to use Grant's OWN words, "Richard Becker has a tiny penis" - and suggested, merely suggested, that it was no more than hearsay. Possibly a canard (the assertion, NOT the tiny penis - canard means duck, I'm not sure what that has to do with anything).

And lo and behold, Grant goes over the rhetorical cliff:


Two entire pages, screaming at the top of his lungs, that Becker has a tiny penis. And I still do not know HOW he knows that. He merely asserts, over and over and over, that the blister has a tiny penis. And he probably DOES have a tiny penis. But it is by no means proven.
Then Grant accuses me of being interested in it. The tiny penis. Which is absurd. I despise Richard Becker, and absolutely loathe International ANSWER. Any organization founded by apologists for Mao's murderous political campaigns - Mao TseTung was the biggest mass-murderer in history, responsible for the deaths of nearly a hundred million Chinese - has no redeeming qualities.
As far as I'm concerned, Richard Becker, and his private parts, should be ripped to shreds by howling rabid dogs. Slowly. He, and his inadequate manhood, and his friends and depraved bedmates, do not deserve to live. They are lower than scum.
And how dare YOU, odious mister Grant Patel, suggest that I have any interest whatsoever in the diseased dangly part that hides in Richard Becker's curiously stained pants! You are obscene! You are gross!

And no, I shall not express ANY such curiosity about yourself. You are NOT a more fitting object of interest at all. Do not even dare claim so! You are probably the most outrageous and badly behaved person in all of San Francisco.
I care not how broadminded you claim to be, you are DISGUSTING!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Take that hamburger and....

Normally I refuse to touch hamburgers. Why? Because you don't know what part of some poor diseased downtrodden moo-cow the meat came from. It's ground up, so it could be anything! Even arse!

But sometimes......

Sometimes you NEED to bite a cow! And at that time you hope that the ground whatever-it-is that they use didn't come from the carcass of some glandered heifer shot at the end of a long miserable life. Nice, juicy, fatty young meat, though not too young. Not quite the perfect aged hunks of beef in the windows of Harris' Restaurant at the corner of Pacific and Van Ness, which are truly beautiful - more appealing and luscious than the finest flemish food-slut fanatic paintings of centuries ago - but something which at least had some good marbling, and came from a well-developed muscle area. It has to drip juices when you chomp down.

Add some sautéed mushrooms, onions, tomato, and a dab of mustard, and it is an orgy!
Yes, you may bribe me with a greasy patty!

That was NOT what I had today. I've been had! I spent good money on that nasty thing. Damm them, they sold me a nasty piece of crap!
Ick. Feh. Poo!

And the bacon was hard and dry and old! Cheats! Horrid cheats!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Richard Becker: abnormally petite?

Both Grant Patel and At The Back of the Hill have taken it upon themselves to detail Richard Becker's anti-Semitism and political agitation. With quite some bile. And in some detail.

[Richard Becker is the Jew-hating head honcho of International ANSWER, which is a nasty organization involved in littering, racist rhetoric, and sometimes violent demonstrations. Many of its core members admire(d) the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution and the Cambodian massacres, and they've never given up on the idea of mass slaughter in the name of Marx and Mao. They're a horrid nuisance. Especially in Oakland and San Francisco.]


Grant Patel, it seems, is obsessed with Richard Becker's penis. Or what Grant asserts is a remarkable lack, or deficit, in that department.

Grant wrote:
" ... as is well-known, Richard Becker is of insufficient manhood. It is very tiny. Not impressive in any way. Barely manhood at all, in fact. Do you have a loupe? Poor chap cursed with a very tiny lor, the use of which is wellnigh impossible without tweezers and a profound sense of humor, both of which he is lacking. His frustration mounts with each failed mounting. Noodly appendage not even spaghetti strap dimension, and utterly void of horn. Poor basterd. Sod him."

Yes, Grant, that is all VERY eloquent! Very eloquent indeed! But do you have any proof? On what do you base your assertion that Richard Becker is "cursed with a very tiny lor, the use of which is wellnigh impossible without tweezers and a profound sense of humor"?
How do you know that Richard Becker has a tiny penis? Was he a client of yours? Did he wave his tiny penis at you? Was it presented as evidence in court? Was the tiny penis asked to testify?

I mean, it may very well be that Richard Becker has a miniscule manhood.... and what exactly is miniscule in that regard? Six inches? Three? Two? Or even (gasp!!!) less than one???!?!!!
And does that mean when it is fully engorged (hah, biology class was at least useful for something!), or when it is in it's natural flaccid state? Have you, in fact, mister Patel, been in a position to examine Richard Becker's infamously tiny penis?

Or is all of this just hearsay???

Now mister Patel, I am strictly interested in hearing HOW you know that Richard Becker is endowed with such a delicate organ, I am NOT interested in any actual description of the appearance of the teeny little squidgy-bit in question.
I will gladly accept, from your lips and whatever scores of witnesses you can turn up (and surely there must be HUNDREDS who can testify), that Richard Becker is a most unprepossessing man. But a detailing of the coloration, texture, and heft of his wee waggy winky is not in order - I am sure that nobody is really interested in minutiae. Minor details are NOT important!

You, mister Grant, are the subject of this post!
I simply want to know the basis for your assertions, I do NOT have any interest, in the slightest, in mister Becker's deficient weenie itself.

Just tell us how you know. Please be at your lawyerly best. I know you can do it!
[You are a lawyer, and you can say these things. Right?]

Exact dimensions by scientific measurement (microns or other units) is also good. My textbook tells me normal length is between five and seven inches, so logically, for Richard Becker's tiny penis to be so very remarkable as to excite your passion, nay, even your obscene eloquence, Grant, it must be significantly smaller than that. Yes?

I'm just guessing, but the only way it could be noteworthy is, if in soft condition it is no more than two inches maximum. And I have nothing to base that judgement on, other than textbooks and anatomical charts! I've never actually seen a penis, I do not wish to see one, and certainly not Richard Becker's possibly haggard and misshapen old dongus!

I shall not even speculate about what happens when it (Richard Becker's tiny penis) extends - I once heard one of the boys at school assert boastfully that his is "hard as steel, two feet long, and goes all night" (note to self: warn everyone NOT to date Irving, he has "issues") - but very possibly mister Becker has frequent fainting fits, and for his own wellbeing subsumes his sex-drive into trying to start riots instead.

Inquiring minds want to know, but not too much! Oh wait......, that would probably be impossible anyhow.
Oh, and one other thing, Grant, do you in fact know if Richard Becker actually has a sex life, or has had one, or will ever have one? Or is that, too, mere speculation on your part?
Links and names of victims, please. NO photos!!!!!!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Shrimp and rice

Sometimes I just like to sit down and stuff myself, especially when Mom, May, Grannie, and Auntie Wah have gone off somewhere to talk smack about the boys. Which is Booboo and Fatty and Pang Sook. Who usually have gone off to a different restaurant and are probably talking about football and manly things, being a little too dense to figure out what the ladies are doing.

Girls' night out does not include me. Maybe when I'm older, but I am not holding my breath.

Shrimp Étouffée

1 Cup onion, finely chopped.
1/2 Cup celery, finely chopped.
1/2 Cup bell pepper, finely chopped.
1/4 Cup flour.
2 Cups stock.
2 Tbsp minced garlic.
Half a bunch of parsley, chopped fine.
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce.
2 tsp hot sauce.
1/2 Cup green onion, chopped.
3 lbs large shrimp, peeled and deveined.
Salt & freshly ground black pepper.
Dried thyme.

Season the shrimp with a little paprika and ground pepper.
Melt one stick butter in a large fry pan, add the onions, bell pepper, and celery, sauté till translucent. Whisk in the flour to make a medium brown roux, stirring well for about 5 minutes or more - take your time! Add a pinch or two of paprika and a smaller pinch cayenne. Add a splash of stock and stir to incorporate, then add the remaining stock gradually, stirring all the while. Bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. Add the garlic, parsley, Worcestershire, hot sauce, a generous pinch of dried thyme, salt, black pepper, and cayenne. You can also add a little five spice powder or mace, but not too much!
Simmer for 20-30 minutes.
Add the shrimp and green onions, simmer for ten minutes more until the shrimp are cooked. Adjust the seasonings to taste and serve over rice.

Potato salad on the side is wonderful.
And if the house is empty, it is sheer heaven.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Sarah Lee has left the building!

I just can not believe that Warren! He called a pastry again!!!!!

I was going past the stairs when he said "MMMMM, Devils Food Cake......!"

If Brian and Derrek hadn't been coming down I would've clobbered him. He sounded just like Homer Simpson! Dirty dirty boy!

I am so NOT devils food cake. That's far too white. More like poundcake. With a dab raspberry conserve.
I'm gonna so pound him if he calls me that again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Delicious panties!

Wow. This is just so very beautiful!
(warning: naughty picture ahead, click at own peril)

No, Grant, I would probably not ever buy it. I can't afford to spend twenty eight dollars on one pair of panties, no matter how gorgeously sexy and tempting they would make me feel. Twenty eight dollars is just a bit much.

But if you think I should have it, go ahead and purchase it yourself.

And you should wear it yourself too.
Cause I'm never going to let you give it to me. Not in a million years.
Trust me, dear, you will look better than me in it.
Delicious, even.
Please buy it at least two sizes too small, so that it cuts off your circulation.
Thanks ever so.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Something pornographic thisaway comes

Three years ago a friend gave me an aquapet. Aquapets are little critters in water-filled glass jars that talk to you and make cute sounds, made by a Japanese company called Wildplanet.

Here is what an aquapet looks like:

It's on my desk next to my computer.
A friendly little beastie in a vertical glass tube, on a base with two buttons that you push to "feed" it or "talk" to it.
Three years ago I thought it looked like a very cute alien test-tube baby. Which is strange. Cause only today I noticed that it looks like something else. Something you would buy at Good Vibrations on Polk Street. Something that Grant Patel would design. Now I think I should wrap it up and hide it in my underwear drawer. I can't throw it out, it's a gift.
What on earth were they thinking!!?!?!?!?

There's a piece about the toy here:

It seems that Baptists (those are Christians) do not like it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that they thought it was obscene. Those people think everything is filthy.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Jewelry is magic!

Fellow blogger Atboth sometimes sends me the strangest emails.

Consider this:

"It's an inyan to buy your wife and daughters jewelry and clothing before Yomtov, and your little kids sweets."

I'm guessing that inyan means a rule or a recommendation. Or a very good thing to do. If you're Jewish.
And that inyan is very sweet. I approve wholeheartedly!

Yomtov: A Jewish holiday or festival or a day or series of days observed by Jews as a holy or secular commemoration of an important event in Jewish history. [Wikipedia]

It's probably a good thing that Atboth is not in the market, seeing as he's not Jewish. But his heart is probably in the right place. And if he converts, I'm sure I'll hear about it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

My exciting sex life, part deux!

I have a confession - I'm really interested in the results of the teenage sex survey mentioned in the previous post (from the link that Atboth sent me).

Some of the questions are hella fascinating. Take this one, for example: "Does your religion influence your decision about whether or not to have sex?"

There are actual religions that tell you to have sex? I thought that was just Catholicism!


Some of the questions are easy to answer, though if this was a test, even a multiple choice one, I would probably fail.
See, that's why Chinese American kids don't do sex surveys, it's performance anxiety! We're afraid we won't get into Berkeley or Stanford if we give the wrong answers!

But, just to keep you interested, here are some of the questions (italics) and my honest answers (bold).

What is your sexual orientation? Magnetic north.
Have you ever had a serious boyfriend or girlfriend? No, nothing but clowns.
What do you consider to mean "hooking up"? Full cable service, including internet.
What is your experience with sending suggestive or nude photos or videos via your cell phone (also known as "sexting")? That's why I don't have a cell-phone.
Where do you get the majority of your sex information from? Mail-order catalogues, where else?

Now, the answer to what I'm sure you all want to know, I am lying on my bed wearing pink bikini briefs with white lace edging. Raspberry pink! Cotton!

I also have my favorite tee-shirt (MÔTÔRHEAD) from two years ago on - it is far too tight now.

And I'm a blond sex-type thing.


Of course I answer ALL questions honestly - why do you ask?

No answers about my sex life here, just move along

One of the things I've noticed is that all heterosexual males are perverts. No matter how nice.
I don't know about gay men, but I suspect they're normal.
Most of my regular readers are perverts.

There are four who comment frequently: Grant! Patel!, the Amphibian, Spiros, and Atboth.

I believe that they are all heterosexual males.
And I enjoy their comments, so I guess that means I like sharing myself with perverts.

Sometimes Atboth really tries to cause trouble.
Don't be.
He sent me this:

Hi Betty,

Here is what is possibly the most interesting survey ever! At least, from mister Patel's deviant point of view. Actually, ONLY from his devpov.
You will probably want to NOT respond to a single one of these questions. Mister Patel should under no circumstances answer any at all, though he would almost certainly wish to wax at length.


Well howdy.
I clicked on the link. Three questions jump out:

1. How much of the time do you and your partner use a condom?
2. Have you ever given oral sex to someone of the opposite sex?
3. Have you ever given or received oral sex from someone of the same sex?

Oh. Ick.
The answers to these questions are "other" or "not sure". And that's gonna be the answer to every one of the questions there.
You perverts will just have to figure it all out without me. I'm very sure you can come up with something.

Thanks for sending me that e-mail, Atboth. Now I am filled with angst.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

How trailer!

Now I know why uncle Booboo and Fatty never said anything about the Remy! They aren't typical Chinese! They're bourbon drinkers! The horror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did THAT happen? Everyone else goes nuts over fine French cognac (see, I even know how to spell it!), and there they are, smoking camels in the bathroom and swilling bourbon (but not in the bathroom).

This is not proper Chinese behavior!

Are my uncles secretely from Texas? I sure hope not! I'm praying that it's just their perverse natures, both of them having gone to UC Berkeley, which I have no doubt wrecked their minds. Berkeley has that effect on people.

Now I should worry. Lowell has a high feed-rate into the UC system, we're that good.
It sure would be awful if I ever developed a taste for camels and bourbon.
That would probably make me an orange-neck. Or at least puce around the back collar.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Happy bunny jammies!

A while back auntie Wah gave me flannel Jammies with bunnies on them. They are sooooo comfortable!!!! Especially this last week, when it was so very very cold at night.

They are a little bit too big, baggy around the chest and hips, but not around the waist (I guess I'm still pudgy there). And the legs and arms are a little too long. But they are so warm and soft, and very nice against the skin. I love flannel. More pajamas should be made out of flannel, especially if you live in San Francisco.

I don't really like bunnies. But these aren't regular bunnies. They wear strawhats and smoke pipes. And some of them carry rakes and pitchforks. These are useful productive bunnies tending to the fertility of their gardens. Not lazy carrot-snarfing freeloaders!

If THOSE bunnies had been outside last Wednesday evening, they would've frozen their furry butts off. It was that cold. But MY bunnies wear flannel!

Friday, May 1, 2009


This recipe sound divine!

Rabbit TOFURKY stew
1 three-pound Rabbit TOFURKY cut up.
1/2 cup all-purpose flour.
4 tablespoons butter.
2 onions, thinly sliced.
1 cup chopped celery.
1 teaspoon salt.
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper.
2 bay leaves.
4 cups water.
4 cups dry red wine.
2 cups diced carrots.
4 medium potatoes, peeled and diced.

Directions for Rabbit TOFURKY stew.
Dredge Rabbit TOFURKY pieces with 1/2 cup flour. Melt butter in a Dutch oven over medium heat; brown Rabbit TOFURKY pieces on all sides. Add celery, onion, salt, pepper, bay leaves, the water, and the wine; bring to the boil, reduce heat to low, cover, and cook 2 hours.
Add carrots, potatoes, and cook for 25 to 30 minutes longer, or until vegetables are tender.
Serves 4.